Tea Bag Pants Party's Blog

Mothers day came and went, so now you have another 364 days again to think about yourself.  (363 if you count fathers day)  I didn’t wait to start thinking about myself again.   I love myself, as everyone should.  I quickly realized that being ages 10-15, or the “Golden Years”, were by far the greatest days of my life.  I can barely remember ages 6-9, and have no clue about 0-5.  Ages 16+ suck because you actually have to care about stuff.  Real important stuff.  Like high school.  Nobody likes to care, we all want to go back to those golden years.

The best part of my golden years was wrestling.  Believe it.  I loved nothing more than watching Stone Cold Steve Austin climb up on a turnbuckle, try to pour two beers into his mouth, throw the cans somewhere and give everyone the middle finger.  To someone who never watch wrestling, Steve Austin probably sounds like a giant douche.  Well if someone told me that I would think so as well, but he’s probably one of the coolest guys ever.  And what about Dwayne Johnson a.k.a. THE ROCK!  One of his finishers was the people elbow, not the Rock’s elbow (even though he didn’t use the peoples elbows, he used his own)  He was in it for the people.  He would throw off his elbow pad run around the ring two times, and then do this crazy seizure move before slamming his elbow into someones face.  I never knew why he threw his elbow pad off, if he was having trouble with his elbow I think it would be a smart move to keep the elbow pad on because he wouldn’t want to cause any further damage to it.  BUT WHO CARES!!  IT WAS THE GOLDEN YEARS!!

Gotta catch ’em all?  You guessed it, Pokémon was just beginning when we were just beginning our Golden Years.  I remember bringing my Game Boy to school and sitting in the hallway before going to Mrs Painguin’s class just to get my last fix of Pokémon before the class begun.  Going home, collecting Pokémon cards.  Going over to Steph’s house to play Pokémon Snap.  Battling Tom in Pokémon Stadium.   Red Pokémon, Blue Pokémon, Special Edition Yellow Pikachu Pokémon.  Pokémon, Pokémon, Pokémon was THE SHIT!

Then we get older.  wrestling starts to gets boring with the new guys.  Pokémon gets 5,239 new Pokémon that you must memorize.  Then you get older and realize you have to worry about things.  It sucks.  Why can’t we all just go back to the good ol’ days when we had not a care in the world and we did fun shit all day?  Oh I know, because someone already ruined it for us…

Fuck you K-Fed, burn in hell

Whats with famous people trying to sing?  Seriously, why?  Your mediocre at your current profession, why try to do something that your horrible at?  Lets take Tila Tequila for instance.  Whats she famous for?  Being a slut on MySpace and getting a shitty show on MTV trying to find love?  (By the way, her acting on that show was horrible)  Shes a D-Lister who thinks she can pick up a mic and make a platinum record, when she really hasn’t done anything that even resembles something of talent.  And whats her single called?  I Fucked The DJ….REALLY??  I had no idea that someone could be famous for being a slut, but I guess this is the future?  I don’t know.

It’s not just MySpace celebrities however.  Real famous people, like Paris Hilton, have unsuccessfully tried to make a gold album.  Her single – Stars Are Blind.  No Paris Hilton, this music isn’t good, you’re just deaf.  And what is she famous for?  Shes not an actress, artist, author, and of course not a musician.  Shes famous for being a rich slut who had a sex tape.  Thankfully, porn stars haven’t followed in P. Hilton’s footsteps because they all would make music.  They would make music because record executives would get money off of their slutty music videos.

It’s not just MySpace celebrities and whores however.  Real famous people, like Bill Shatner try to make music too.  Lets face the facts, he’s not really that great of an actor.  Who gave him the brilliant idea that he could make a great song even better?  What song?  Rocket Man, by Elton John.  Whoever told him that should go play in traffic because the remake of that song was sick.  Sick as in “make me want to vomit blood” sick.  And famous people like Roseanne Barr, (again, not that good at acting) who try to sing the nation anthem.  Horrid is the only word that comes to mind.

Don’t get me wrong, some people have made a transfer from acting to singing without a hitch.  Jamie Foxx, The Blues Brothers, Tenacious D, and Eddie Murphy, all good at something, be it acting or comedy (or both), but made some stellar songs.   They are all just talented thought.  People who are barely famous should not be able to make music just because they have money.  They should spend money on something better.  Something that could be more productive.  Spend it on me.  I’ll just tell them how successful they are and how much I would want to be them.  Everyone’s a winner.  Instead, they make shitty music and make people hate them.  Or I’m just the only one that hates them, who knows.  Anyway, if your reading this, and become a famous actor or actress, and try to make music and its shitty, we are no longer friends

Its been a while since I wrote in here.  It’s about time I rip another topic apart.  Subject – Michael Jackson.  Why? – Why not.

I have, what I like to call, a sick, rude, and disgusting sense of humor.  I can make fun of anything.  Old ladies falling down on ice, drunken elementary bus drives who almost kill a school bus full of little kids with a blood alcohol level of  .226, the Pope helping pedophiles get away with their crimes.  Thats all comedy gold, but the shiniest gold on top of the pile is Michael Jackson.

Some people are probably talking about MJ right now, talking about how horrible his childhood was and that he never got to experience his youth.  Sure, he was beaten severely as a child of the Jackson 5, but that’s not a damn shame at all.  Hell, I wish I was severely beaten as a child and verbally abused because then I too could be a kick ass pop singer.  They should have beaten him harder, or maybe they beat the gay into him…

MJ sure did make a lot of great music.  And I would be a hypocrite if I said it sucks, because I love it.  It’s great.  His early stuff when he was still black looking, and even before that when he was a genuine chocolate face.   Things really started going downhill when he got white.  You see, when we have a rich black man who’s famous, they get accused of raping teenagers’ or weapons charges.  Thats not the same case with famous white people.  Famous white people get a little crazy with it.  They get caught sticking their winkie in glory holes at truck stop bathrooms (George Michales).  Famous white people get together and talk about a Communist United States (you know who you are).  Famous white people go crazy on steroids, kill their wife and child, then have a stand-off with the cops before they waste themselves (Chris Benoit, R.I.P.).   Becoming a white man was the biggest mistake of MJ’s life.

We all know what MJ’s biggest problem with the law was.  He never had a drug problem, (that we knew of) and he never raped any little kids, (that we could prove).  The biggest crime that he could be accused of, he was found guilty of, and fined everyday.  Yup, the king of pop was found guilty every day by the fashion police.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Halloween dearly, but I consider myself to be an adult, and as an adult I know that its only tolerated to dress up like a bedazzled Zoro one day a year.  Not every day.  But being a rich famous white man, MJ was above the law.  He could wear a mask every day, and hell he even played the Lion King with his kid off a balcony.

He was so cool 😀  So cool in fact, that his death was all over the news.  Not just for one or two days.  They talked about his death more than they reported about 9/11.  THAT much.  And for what?  He was just some crazy hybrid of a some crazy creatures that could make him camouflage from black to white, a process that took 40 years.  He was terrible with his money, had a horrible taste of fashion, and raped little kids.  Who gives a shit if he died.  I don’t know anybody who’s mentally insane but I’m sure they die every day.  Does the news shut down for a couple days for them?  Doubt it.

To sum things up, MJ is dead.  THANK GOD!  News – talk about something that matters.  It turely is sad when the news talks about pop singers and reality tv more than things that really need to be talked about.  People who worship MJ, don’t.  He was just a crazy camouflaging creature with no nose.  If you want to worship something that doesn’t matter go hug a tree like all the other hippies.

This is a topic that has really been grinding my gears for the past couple of days.

I don’t know if you guys have heard anything about Matthew Snyder, a Lance Cpl in the Marines, who died in Iraq and had his funeral picketed by the Westboro Baptist Church.  I’m sure its been all over the news, and if it hasn’t than shame on CNN.  What happen was a Marine died in Iraq and when they had the funeral for him, they had people from this “church” go and protest the war, with signs that say “Thank God For Dead Soldiers.”  I’m not dead, but if I did happen to die and these protesters came to my funeral, my family would be pissed they would be forced to endure that on one of the worst days of their lives.

Why do they protest?  Because they believe that the death of every dead serviceperson should be celebrated as God’s punishment of a gay-tolerant nation.  I’m not the most religious person in the world, however I’m pretty sure that God creates everyone.  If God creates everyone then he must not have millions of mistakes when he created every gay person that lives in America.  And if God really did make every gay person, then why shun them?  Everybody is Gods creation so we shouldnt treat one person better than another.

Thats not what pisses me off.  What pisses me off is the fact that Matthew Snyder’s father sued the “church” for disrupting his sons funeral.  He should have won, hands down.  He should have gotten $10.9 million.  None of that happen though, instead an appeals court threw that verdict out.  But it gets better, the court also ordered Snyder to pay for the “church’s” legal bills of $16,500.  Sure the first amendment gives Americans the freedom of speech.  However, there is a law called disturbing the peace.  A graveyard should be a very peaceful place.  If someone is making a circus of someones funeral I’m pretty fucking sure that’s disturbing the peace.

The case is bound for the supreme court, thank God, but that may not be a good thing.  If you guys have seen Congressman Hank Johnson you know what I’m talking about.  This idiot thinks putting 5,000 Marines on the island of Guam will actually make it flip to its side and capsize.  REALLY!?!?  YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!  For fuck sake, it’s a God damn island.  Think about it, America is one big ass fucking island.  Florida isnt rapidly sinking because the population has grown in Miami in the past 10 years.  England is doing just fine.  And these are the fucking retarded retards that are leading us.  Fuck our lives

I like to read.  I don’t read nearly as much as I should though.  When you read you travel somewhere far away, to a time and place far more exciting and interesting than your boring life.  Books are awesome.  And on a side note, I read something, IN A BOOK, that said reading makes you smarter.  Killing two birds with one stone, hell yeah.

Lets look at some famous authors we have been blessed to have. Ernest Hemingway, Dr. Seuss, William Shakespeare, Mario Puzo, and who can forget about Crazy Mustache a.k.a. Mark Twain.  Everybody knows all of these people as very accomplished authors and writers, but they also have something else in common.  If they were alive today nobody would give a shit about them.

I take that back, English teachers would LOVE them.  However, I am not an English teacher, nor am I good at speaking or writing in the English language.  I can speak “American” like a mother fucker, but that’s off the point.  I would fall into the category of “Not Giving A Shit” with the other 99% of the population.  Why?  Because if Dan Brown (author of The Da Vinci Code) was on tour from city to city reading his book, no one would go.  Why not?  Because reading is boring.  Reading keeps me occupied when I have nothing to do, but I would much rather go see a Tenacious D concert than go to a “read along” of Moby Dick.

But face the facts, if you had the option to see a T.I. concert or go to a William Shakespeare concert what one would it be?  Mind you the reading one is filled with English teachers who are all sweating because they have the hots for Bill Shakespeare and probably high on some grass…  You get the point.

Authors keep us occupied, but they suck.  People read books because they are bored.  Even the shittiest bands would have more people go to their concerts than a Mark Twain one.  Long story short, authors, keep doin what your doin, but keep in mind no one really gives a shit

Why does everybody get so excited during St. Patty’s Day?  I think it’s because everyone forgot who Saint Patrick was.  “I know, he was a man who traveled and gave goods to children.”  No atheist guy,  that’s St. Nick.  “Wasn’t he that guy that discovered the telephone?”  No you uneducated fuck.  One, that has nothing to do with Saint Patty at all, and two, you can’t discover something like the telephone.  “Well, I could be wrong, but I believe Saint Patrick was an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.”  Ron Burgundy?  Where the hell did you come from?

Whoops, got a little side tract there for a second.  Heres a little brain buster for ya.  Was St. Patrick Irish?  (Time to think) Answer : NO!  He was born in Britain, and went to Ireland as a slave.  All year round people  ridicule Irish people and gingers for being light-skinned and having red hair.  Then, one day in the middle of March, people all of a sudden want to be Irish.  People don’t celebrate St. Stephens day for being St. Stephens day.  And last time I heard, nobody gets shit face wasted for St. Dave’s Day.

Here’s another brain buster for ya.  What is the official color for Saint Patrick?  (Time to think)  NO!  ITS BLUE!  The green color and the shamrock came from his teachings.  Three leaves on a shamrock = Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Why don’t we get shit face wasted on All Saints Day?  Is it because St. Patrick REALLY WASN’T EVEN A SAINT AT ALL?!?!?  He was actually a saint, but I don’t think we should celebrate St. Patty’s day considering the fact that nobody really knows the day he died.  And St. Patty’s day is supposedly on the day that he died.

Just gonna round things up, we celebrate St. Patty’s day because everyone is an alcoholic.  Why don’t we just pick a day, I don’t know, August 11th, and call it Alcoholic’s day?  It’s pretty much the same concept.  Pick a random day, get wasted, everyone’s happy

I am very concerned with the disease that is plaguing America today.  Retardedness.  It’s not an airborne disease, and you can’t catch it from having sex with another person.  This disease is with you from the moment your born, until you die, and then even after your long gone, you have left some strands of your Retarded self. And by the way, I’m capitalizing Retard in this post to classify Retards in their own political party.  Don’t want to offend anybody, so a retard is a type of political party.

It seems to me that the IQ level of the population has slowly started to go down.  Smart people are hard to come by now a days, and the Retards have grown in numbers far higher than the Retards can count.  This means that the Retards are starting to dethrone the smart people from their jobs.  Now, the kingpins at businesses all over America have been replaced by these Retards because there are no more smart people.

Auto companies started to do great after WWII, when the economy was starting to get back to its healthy self.  Sure the companies had their ups and downs but for the most part it didn’t look like we were going back to horses and carriages for transportation.  Then, all of a sudden in the late 2000’s, car makers all over the great United States started to fail.  Not just fail, but EPICALLY FAIL.  Why?  Because the baby boomers that were in control before were all starting to retire.  Who took over?  The Retards.

I’m a strong believer of Socialism (the Karl Marx Socialism, not the Joseph Stalin “Communist Socialism”) when it comes to how we should treat the retards in America.  Or at least the new classification of Retards.  First, we should raise, or lower, the standards to be a Retard.  Put it at 80, instead of keeping it at 70.  And there should be different classifications of the jobs that the Retards get.  For example, if someone has an IQ of 14, they should be pulling shopping carts at Wal-Mart, NOT cooking my food at Applebees.  Or just staying at home pissing all over the place because that Retard with an IQ of 14 is probably a menace to society.

There would be different classes of Retards too.  It would start at “Somewhat Retarded.”  These people would be able to work at restaurants and hotels, and they are accepted in our society.  Then there is the “Moderately Retarded” class.  The ones blessed to be in this category can still go out in public without getting stoned, but only can do so when doing their job.  Their jobs would consist of pulling carts outside of Wal-Mart and garbage men.  Finally, we would have the crème de la crème, or the “Retarded Retards”  These Retards can’t be seen in public during the day, or if they are, they must be on a leash with their owner.  They can be owned animals but they must stay in a cage.  If they do have a job, it would be breaking rocks or something horrible like that, and they would live in a camp with a whole bunch of other Retards.  The camp would also help them concentrate, so maybe they could reach a better classification as a Retard, or a concentration camp if you will.

If you have gotten this far, your not a Retard.  Retards would have gotten bored when I said “It’s not an airborne disease,” but some of your friends may be at risk.  How do you know if your friends are Retards?  It’s really a simple test, just see how many times they type “lol” in 5 minutes and multiply it by 10, then subtract that number from 200 (Stephen Hawkins IQ).  That number is their new IQ.  If they type “LOLZ!!!!1!”, no math needed.  Just Retarded

I love Dr. Phil.  However, I wouldn’t say that if I had a chance to be Dr. Phil’s friend, I would accept his friendship.  You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Why not be Dr. Phil’s friend?  He’s rich, and has no friends, so he would spoil you with goods.”  True, but there is a reason why Dr. Phil has no friends, and went through a horrible divorce.

Oprah gave Phil a job by letting him come onto the show a few times, and pull some advice out of his ass.  Phil was a nice guy back then, making everybody feel good, but as we all know, that was just a mask he had on.  The real Phil hates everybody.  When he was with Oprah, she had a leash on him so he couldn’t speak what was really on his mind.

After he got away from Oprah and her iron fist, he got his own show.  Bad news for Oprah because she thought he was a nice guy.  NOPE!  His show was a great success, to me at least.  No matter who goes on his show leaves the same way…depressed and hating life more than ever.  I love it.

People go on the show because their children are acting up and the parents can’t correct it, and Phil tells them “You are horrible parents and your children aren’t safe with you.”  Other people come on the show to seek help for their failing marriage.  What does Phil say?  “You both can’t stand each other because you Jessica, are just ugly.  Ugly people can’t be loved.  And Dave, you’re a ginger.  You don’t have a soul, and your married to someone who can’t be loved.  No matter what you do your marriage is hopeless, so a divorce is probably your best bet.”  The best episodes are the ones with the rape victim, and Dr. Phil says “Well what did you do to make that complete stranger want to rape you?”

And that’s the great thing about Dr. Phil.  There are no victims, only culprits.  It doesn’t matter if someones overweight, or gets drugged in a club and rapped by a total stranger.  If your on Dr. Phil, you did something wrong.  Dr. Phil also sounds like an uneducated southern boy who’s a skinhead.  And on top of that, every girl who I have seen on his show has cried.  It’s a classy show for classy people.  I’d even call it the best damn daytime talk show, period.

I went to the gym today, you know, to work out.  The army has a policy that being physical fit is a necessity.  If something bad happens, you must be able to pick up someone and carry them to a safe place.  I don’t have a problem with that at all, it’s actually a good idea, but I do have a problem with going to the gym.

If you didn’t know me and saw me walking in the street and assumed I was someone who doesn’t regularly goes to the gym.  And you would be right.  I have the body of, what I like to call, a “Little Bitch.”  And if you thought I do regularly go to the gym and work out every day you’re a dip shit.  No offense

I go to the J and stand around thinking “Where can I go so nobody sees me?”  Is it because I’m ashamed to be lifting 85 pounds on the bench and struggling when everyone else is throwin up about 200 pounds on a bad day?  Of course it is.

When I’m trying to bench, and the guy next to me has an arm the size of both of my legs put together, my penis shrinks.  I don’t want to have a tiny penis.  And I’m sure that when someone who works out regularly is only putting up half the weight that the biggest guy there is putting up, his penis shrinks too.  I guess a way to not make your penis shrink is to be the biggest guy in the gym, right?

WRONG!

Look at this picture and tell me what is wrong with it.

Have you found out yet?  No?  Alright I’ll tell ya, huge muscles, but where’s the penis?  AND he’s black, just try to fathom if he was white!!

Go to the gym, you penis shrinks.  Work out to be the biggest guy in the gym, your penis is constantly shrinking.  Finally you make it.  congratulations, you have the biggest muscles in the gym.  Oh wait, bonus, you also have a very large clitoris for a penis.  The good news is if you go to a club, you’ll only have to pay half as much to get in when its lady’s night, while my little bitch ass has to pay the full amount.  Why?  Because I still have my penis

I was sitting here and thinking, why do people have so many friends on Facebook and MySpace?  Whats the point?  Some people have 1,500+ friends.  I don’t even know that many people, and I doubt if I did they would all have a Facebook.  And if they DID I wouldn’t have every single one of them on my friends list because I don’t have the time to look everybody I’ve ever met up.

People that have that many friends are called MySpace and Facebook  ‘whores’.  These ‘whores’ meet up (or connect) with other ‘whores’ and invite all of their ‘whore’ friends into what I like to call ‘a virtual orgy’.  So now we have a whole bunch of whores, just whoring it up online in this giant orgy.

Now if you are a virtual whore, I’m begging you to stop, because some people aren’t just whores, but they have viruses also.  Now when you whores are in this giant orgy you don’t really pay any attention, and your not protected, so you get a virus too.  Just a whole bunch of whores getting viruses at orgy’s.

Now being a non-whore, I don’t like to get viruses because I don’t go whoring it up at an orgy.  But when I meet up with a whore to catch up, I don’t keep my guard up because your a friend.  We’ll connect and ultimately I’ll get a virus.  Thats not how the world should turn.

If you’re a whore you should get checked for a std.  And if you’re a virtual whore, then stop being one.  That is all